Harry Potter and The Evil Mary Sue
by Antigone Chaucer of Kells
Summary: Full Title Inside. Yes, another whack the Mary Sue Fic. BUT WAIT! it's different! The Mary Sue is a murderer! The hat's a drunk! I can solemnly swear this was not written by a hyperactive twelve year old..
1. The Actual Story

Harry Potter and The Evil (but doesn't really know it) Mary Sue.  
  
Okay, my second (and last! I promise!) Mock the Mary Sues Fic.  
I have a very short theory on fanfics so if you want to read it go to  
"The Damage Mary Sues Cause" – My first Mary Sue Fic.  
  
For this Fic I devised a second theory on another piece of paper (definitely recycled)  
  
I realised (after deep philosophical thought) that now there are more stories in which  
Mary sues are insulted than actual Mary Sues.... Members of Fan Fiction... you  
know what to do..........Slaughter the authors who slaughter the Sues!!!  
  
But for now let's read what I have to kill...  
  
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The doors of the great hall flew open, nobody noticed, this happened all the time. It was usually:  
1. A Mary Sue  
2. Crazy Person out to murder the Mary Sue  
3. Voldemort  
4. Person whining about how Voldemort is back and this time, means business. (cough, HarryPotter, cough)  
5. And.... Yet another Mary Sue...  
.  
A tall, but not taller than Harry, Ron or Draco (or sometimes Hermione), girl skipped  
down the aisle between the Griffindor and Hufflepuff tables, towards a reddening,  
lemon faced1 and extremely impatient McGonagall and a depressed hat who, despite  
being drunk and three times as mad as Dumbledore, Harry and Hagrid put together,  
still managed to get one verse of song out before falling into a coma.  
  
'When Pigzits was new,  
And I started my job!  
People came and one guy was kinda evil  
Another guy was a pretty good guy and  
The other two, who no one gave a crap about!  
Eventually said: blah, blah, ya, ya, and.  
...Dem... go... flam haf... and... ehh...'  
  
By the time the girl had reached the stool The Hat was as good as dead and McGonagall had exploded.  
  
'Screw it.' Mumbled Merl-, uh, Dumbledore 'Just toss 'er in the griffinthingy, Harry  
needs a love interest so we can forget about Cho Chang immediately.'  
  
At this point Cho Chang burst into tears and jumped out the window.  
  
Harry looked up from his food at Ron and Hermoine. Hermoine was staring at Ron in  
disgust as he shovelled food into his mouth in a manner commonly seen amongst  
monkeys and Donald Trumps of the Amazon.  
'Hey guys?' Harry began.  
'Yeah?' Answered Hermoine, unable to take her eyes off Ron, who continued  
shovelling as if it were a race and he was winning.  
'When do you think would be an appropriate time for me to 'notice the new girl?'  
'Um, maybe... when she... notices... you... And 'Mione... bursts out... in...  
jealousy...' Said Ron between mouthfuls.  
  
Harry looked away just as Hermoine turned into a cat and started attacking Ron. He  
caught sight of the girl, although still in extreme blur, she was probably the most  
beautiful thing in the world, possibly even more so than his emerald-green eyes. He  
averted his beautiful eyes when she came closer and conveniently sat beside him.  
'Ello! I'm Sugar Kane Kowalczyk!'2 She said in a rather pretentious English accent.  
  
Harry knew that this was the big moment. He raised his head to speak but when he did  
he looked directly into her purple eyes, those horrible purple eyes.  
  
'AACK!!!'  
  
Harry froze and fell over backwards, much in the style of an artist who had just had a fatal heart attack.  
  
'You Killed Harry Potter!' Screamed Seamus Finnegan.  
There was an awkward silence, during which everyone at Hogwarts tried to determine  
Seamus' sexual orientation. It was eventually broken when Dumbledore stood up and yelled,  
'EEEVVVIIILLL!!!!!!'  
  
This was the signal for every student to take out their torches and set them alight, it  
was time to hunt some witch.  
They gave her the standard twenty-second head start. It took her eleven seconds to  
figure out what was happening and a further five seconds to get out of the building after  
someone had whispered it to her.  
  
}}}INTERMISSION{{{  
  
Sugar Kane Kowalczyk sprinted across the English countryside. She was far ahead  
of the mob, many would think because she was brilliant at running (one of her many  
talents), but realistically it was because three miles back the mob had turned on itself  
after realising that they themselves were witches.  
  
'Enough!' Cried Gandalf, er, Dumbledore 'Let us ride to... CAMELOT!!!'3  
Harry: Camelot!  
Hermoine: Camelot!  
Draco: Camelot!  
Ron: It's only a model...  
Merl-, Dumbledore: Shh...  
  
{Music yet again fades in}  
Dun Da Dun Dun Dun!  
  
"We're knights of the round table,  
We dance when'er we're able!  
We do routines and chorus scenes,  
The footwork impeccable!  
We dine well here in Camelot,  
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot!!!!....  
.............................................................  
..........FIN.....?...  
  
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**I'm sorry, I couldn't resist....  
  
Author's Note: I know King Arthur said "Let us ride to Camelot!" after Patsy  
revealed it was a model but my version works with this plot so if you have a problem  
why don't you go st- {Struggling is heard as the author wrestles with armed guards  
who are trying to shove her in the trunk of her chauffeured limousine}  
"mmhh, ahhhh, mmlahh!.... FICTITIOUS PRESIDENT!!!".  
............  
  
Other Author's notes:  
1: Look at me I think I'm witty!  
  
2: Nudge, Nudge, Wink, Wink!  
  
3: At this point the author became lazy and decided to start writing the dialogue in script form.  
  



	2. Epilogue

Epilogue  
  
The Hat eventually began to foam at the mouth; he choked and died later on that  
night. Dumbledore flushed him down the toilet the next day.  
  
Harry's body was left where it was until the janitor came back from his holiday and  
decided to donate it to the experimental how-not-to-kill-the-patient-in-surgery group,  
which disbanded six days later when the realised they weren't really saving anyone  
and that they had actually become a threat to society.  
  
Dumbledore went on to earn an Oscar and two BAFTA nominations for his  
performance in the epic trilo-, oh hang on…  
  
Sugar Kane Kowalczyk continued running until she had made a full circle of the earth  
and returned to the Hogwarts grounds. She was shot by Hagrid immediately and is  
now displayed in a museum southwest of London, in the git-needing-kick exhibtion.  
  
Cho Chang eventually hit the ground, but before she did that she learned by means  
of a flying squirrel that gravity was a figment of her imagination created by a Large  
group of men. Not particularly important men, mostly orthodontists and executives of  
minor firms. They petitioned to have capital letters put into their name (this became  
the most interesting event of their week) and received a notice twelve weeks later  
stating that they got one large 'L' and an odd shape which when turned upside down  
looked quite familiar...  
Five seconds before she hit the ground Cho realised that it said nothing about the  
squirrel's theory on gravity in the encyclopaedia that had been o so conveniently  
tossed out of the window right after she jumped. She threw it up over her shoulder  
when she was done, encyclopaedia's were of no use now so why not? Either way, it  
had taught her a valuable but now useless lesson: Never trust a flying squirrel wearing a cape.  
  
The Squirrel never made it to the ground. He had gotten caught and squashed between  
the pages of the encyclopaedia.  
  
The Author's computer eventually overheated due to her many attempts at making  
Quentin Tarantino references that no one would ever get. It was given six funerals and  
a wedding.  
  
When The Author had finished grieving the loss of her only friend in the whole wide  
world, she bought a Pentium CXXXVVIII Computer that constantly told her to "Bite  
Me". She took this as a challenge.  
  
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FIN  
(Author's Note: You likey? You no likey? How dare you no likey! You should likey!  
Why you no likey? Is it because I likey?) 


End file.
